TMI - Happy Father's Day

So another Father's Day is upon us and I've got reason to care about it in the last 4 years or so, but prior to that I had a good 25 year span of who gives a shit, or more accurately, bitter bitter nasty who gives a shit. Seeing people posting about their dads being awesome, being teachers, being helpful, or perhaps most affecting - being in heaven - has for some reason really started to take its toll on me.

My dad shot himself in the head leaving four shotgun shells lined up on a motel nightstand like so many unkept promises for my sisters, mom, and I. (side note: who seriously goes through the drive through at Rally's to eat a combo meal less than an hour before killing themselves? Was this done to make the ME's job that much more disgusting? Or is it the self centeredness of having a last meal even if it is fast food?) The Dearborn police got to throw out an assault and battery case I had pending against him when this occurred, and my life was further altered. I didn't have the worst life in the world. I was reminded of this on several occasions in my childhood when I was smugly handed articles from the Detroit News about horrific child abuse cases. Some of these stories still stick with me and I remember the verbiage: "the child, 4, was forced to eat feces" or "broke her bones putting her into the washing machine because he claimed the child was unclean."

You think you have it bad, huh kid, try this on for size.

Anyway, I'm glad he's gone. There's no good facebook copy/paste quote for that. No, "copy and repost if you agree!" I am angry at my dad for being immature, for being so self centered, and for being such a loser. I am also grateful that he's dead because if he'd remained the person that I knew, I would never have allowed him to even look at a picture of my children.

I have had this conversation with many people and for so many reasons I don't think I will ever be able to forgive my father and there is an admittedly sizable part of me that wants to believe in hell so that he has to be there as a consequence for his behavior. Another part of me wants to believe that this was the world's way of making my life easier: by having him remove himself.

In any case, happy fathers day to FATHERS. Men who physically, verbally, sexually, and mentally assault children and their mothers: join my dad in hell.